Not What It seems

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself: "Ah,young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!", and continued to watch, remembering the good old day's that he'd once enjoyed.

Suddenly he gasped and said: "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!," before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief. He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and shouted:"Jean...Jean...zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."

The police chief smiled and said: "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah,L'amour! Zis is OK."

"Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"

Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike, pedalled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedalled all the way back (non-stop) to call the doctor. He picked up the telephone and screamed: "Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a young couple naked having sex"

To which Pierre replied,"Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember...it's spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural."

Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply: "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed: "Mon dieu!," grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in his car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.

When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said: "Ah, mesamis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British"

Why Men And Woman Are Different

Men and women are different in the morning.

The men wake up aroused in the morning. They can't help it. They just wake up and want you.

And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?'

It's because they can't see you. They have no blood anywhere near their optic nerve.

drunken nutcase

My parents went on holiday a few years ago and took my sister with them, leaving me to my own devices. Naturally the few friends i invited round resulted in a house full of 17-20 year olds boozing and smoking like there was no tomorrow.

However there was one guy there who was a bit of a manic depressive / alcoholic psychopath who after drinking his own 8 cans asked me if i would give him a can or two of my own. What he didnt tell me is he meant a can or two every half an hour so by one in the morning he was completely wrecked and asleep on the lawn, where upon the little man in his head in charge of bladder control went on strike.

When he did wake up he came inside and everyone went out of their way to tell him he had pissed himself, to which he replied ' I think ive shit myself too'. It was at the moment that the ungodly whiff of 18 cans of worthingtons and a particularly iffy kebab based shite hit the noses of everyone present.

The poor lad was so embarrased that he collected his bag and squelched home on his bike. we later found out that he has fallen off his bike about 9 times and been pulled over by the police. I almost felt sorry for him til the next morning when i went into the bathroom and found his bodged attempt to clean himself up in the shower....wanker =(